


Ghosts, Kimchi, and Clogged Toilets

by zatniktel



Series: SM Wants to Rule the World [1]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad Spelling & Grammar, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Deliberate Badfic, Evil Plans, Exaggerated Facial Features, Funny, Gen, Ghosts, Halloween, Hyperbole, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Jin has pretty eyes, Jungkook hates smells, Min Yoongi | Suga is So Done, My Immortal - Freeform, Ridiculous, SM Wants to Rule the World, SM is evil, Taehyung has huge eyes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-09-13 13:46:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9126394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zatniktel/pseuds/zatniktel
Summary: A few days before Halloween, ghosts begin terrorizing BTS.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One Company to rule them all, One Company to find them; One Company to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

in a room far below the streets of seoul, in a dark and depressing room, a dark hooded figure sat at a giant, shiny black desk. One of the drawers was slightly opened.  
three other people (hooded in black hoods too) slipped in and bowed to the figure.  
the room was papered in a mixture of 50,000 won bills, 100 dollar bills, and posters of EXO, SHINee, Super Junior, and Girls' Generation. An Iron Maiden-shaped device resided in one corner, its cords sprawling out like the roots of an ancient tree before joining to an OMINOUS black box with flashing lights and beeping things.

"Our positions in the world have become threatened," said the figure, its voice creaking like an old porch swing. "A new group threatens to rule all other groups with cool dance moves and swag."  
The three figures glanced at each other, emotions swiftly and silently passing between them like data between a USB and a computer. The dark figure gazed lovingly at a grouping of hundred-dollar bills. "You must rectify this. Make it look like an accident." The figure turned to face them--well, actually, it didn't quite face them because it was wearing a giant hood like the Emperor in Star Wars. "If this mission fails, your groups will be dissolved."  
A barely audible gasp came from the shortest figure.  
"We won't fail."  
The three bowed and left.

Alone again, the figure sat at the desk and opened the drawer which it had hastily shut right before the trio came in. Inside was a pair of scissors and a magazine. The figure took the items out of the desk and flipped through the magazine before it came to a picture of its rivals. Humming "Sexy, Free, and Single", it started to cut their eyes out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set around Halloween 2014.

**Night 1**  
a few days before halloween, jimin was practicing his lip biting and sexy faces in a bathroom mirror. wow, I am hot, he thought to himself. suddenly a ghost appeared behind him. it had a rotting face, was wrapped in a white sheet, and smelled like unwashed armpits.

jimin thought it was himself at first, and screamed in horror.  
then the ghost grabbed him by the shoulder and cackled in a low, demonic voice. "hi," it said quietly.  
"what is it?" said jungkook from the other room. "do you have a zit?"  
"j-j-jungkook," stammered jimin. "help."  
jungkook came into the bathroom. "hyung, jinjja--gaaah!" he jumped back against the doorframe.  
the ghost dumped rotten egg and kimchi on them and then ran out, its shoes squeaking on the floor.

the next day in the practice room, jungkook and jimin told everyone about it.  
v's eyes were very big as jungkook described the ghost.  
"it went past me into the bathroom. it smelled like unwashed armpits, but I ignored it because I thought it was suga," said jungkook.  
j-hope giggled and suga gave jungkook a look that could have boiled tungsten.

 **Night 2**  
jin had to go get rapmon's ipod from his room because his died. with the hallway light, jin looked at the horrific state of the dark room.  
"rapmon..." he sighed. carefully, he picked his way over to the room's light switch.  
suddenly, a sheet clad figure arose from a pile of suga's ripped jeans, right next to jin.  
jin squeaked in fear, stumbled, and fell on his butt. jin wasn't very scared though, because this ghost had just a floral-patterned sheet draped over its body.  
it gave jin a wet willy and ran out.

 **Night 3**  
v opened a closet and a mannequin dressed as suga fell out. it was smelly and had ugly eyes. but the real suga was sleeping in the practice room.

 **Night 4**  
v was taking a shower. when he came out, someone had written "HELO" in the steam on the mirror. he blinked his big eyes in soft, cowlike surprise.  
rapmon came in to get his toothbrush, and snorted when he saw the mirror. "v u spelled that wrong."  
"i didn't write it," said v, his eyes big and innocent.  
rapmon dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

several hours later, bts depressedly sat down outside the bathroom. They had tried to get rapmon's toothbrush out of the toilet with some wire hangars, their hands, the toilet brush, and the plunger, but had only succeeded in overflowing the toilet and half flooding the bathroom. It was 3 AM, so they couldn't call a plumber. j-hope's hair looked like a rat had been chewing on it, and v smelled like a toilet. jungkook was trying to hold his breath.  
"i think those ghosts are out to get us," said jimin.  
"why, though?" jin wondered. "we haven't done anything bad or anything that would make ghosts want to haunt us...have we?"  
everyone slowly shook their heads.

 **Night 5**  
v was going to get in j-hope's bed. but when he touched the blankets, they shocked him with static electricity.  
j-hope moved. The blanket crackled and lit up with static electricity, and j-hope's eyes glowed in the dark!!  
after v's sudden shock of fear melted away like butter on a hot skillet, he saw that the eyes were glow in the dark googly eyes stuck on j-hope's face. v giggled his deep giggle and pulled the eyes off.  
j-hope woke up, saw the eyes, and screamed like a little girl. he jerked backwards and banged his head on the wall.

after that, j-hope decided to stay up and catch the ghosts. he didn't have to wait long. a ghost started sneaking up to jin's room. j-hope tiptoed up and tapped the ghost on the shoulder. "boo," he said. the ghost turned around to see j-hope grinning manaically.  
the ghost screamed at the sight of j-hope's face. it sounded like a chipmunk.  
j-hope screamed at the sight of the ghost's face. it was wearing a scream mask.  
they both ran away in opposite directions.

 **Night 6**  
rapmon was in the kitchen looking for the last ramen packet that suga had hidden. suddenly he smelled a wave of grandma perfume and mothballs and saw a flutter of floral-patterned sheet out of the corner of his eye.  
the ghost jumped him.  
rapmon flailed his arms like one of those floppy gas station tube thingies caught in a hurricane, but managed to grab a plate and smash it over the ghost's head on the way down. Unfortunately, he also grabbed the ghost's sheet too, pulling it on top of him like they were in a romantic K-drama.  
hearing the crash, jin rushed to the door and peeked his head around the frame. He blinked his gorgeous giant camel eyes slowly. "rapmon?" he called, only seeing a sheet amongst a pile of broken objects.  
the ghost rubbed ground-up ramen in rapmon's face and sashayed out.

 **Night 7**  
bts was in the practice room late, finishing up some choreography. jimin and jungkook had started screwing around, pinching v, rapmon, and jin and pretending to be the ghosts. suddenly the real ghosts came in, all three of them. bts was so surprised, it was like the spanish inquisition had just come in.  
j-hope screamed like a little girl and jumped into rapmon's arms. he staggered under j-hope's 68,038 grams.  
suga walked up to the nearest ghost and bitch slapped it across its cheeks.  
it let out a sharp howl of pain, like when you step on a lego.  
suga pulled off the scream mask and sheet, and it was...................  
.....................baekhyun!

"baekhyun??" said rapmon in disbelief. "you were the ghost??"  
"me and kai and taemin," baekhyun squeaked. he pulled off the voice changer. "sm sent us to distract and upset you."  
"you were getting too popular," said taemin from under the floral pattern sheet.  
"why couldnt someone from girls' generation do it?" jimin muttered.  
"it wasn't a very good idea," kai admitted, taking off the rotting face mask. "tao took one look at me and started crying and chanyeol insisted on taking a selfie with me."  
he took off the growl voice changer. "tao couldn't speak korean for three days after."  
"it also wasn't helpful when lay purposely started mistranslating everything tao said into something sexual," taemin sighed.

 

[The Spanish Inquisition.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf_Y4MbUCLY)

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Yes, my first language is English. The bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation is intentional.  
> 2\. Most of this is made up, but I did see somewhere that V likes crawling into other peoples' beds to sleep/cuddle with them. :) I doubt there's much of a rivalry (if any) between EXO, SHINee, and BTS.  
> 3\. I have no idea how much J-Hope actually weighs.  
> 4\. This is a stupid crackfic.  
> 5\. This is a work of fanfiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a greatly exaggerated manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is partially coincidental, mostly fabricated, and should not be construed as a genuine portrayal of such.


End file.
